Sometimes I have a lot of inside me and I am very sure that something should be written about it. Sometimes on such occasions I suddenly go blank and don’t know where to start from. Let me start from nowhere.
In the last two days, I have talked to so many people over the phone, chatted with so many of them on Gtalk, read so much of philosophy and watched a movie as intense as Gualal that now as I write all of this, I feel the nerves in the forehead bulged up to their limits. As I write this, the bulge is slowly going down.
I was telling Leela over chat today that suddenly the world seems to be contriving to get me married. I feel like Yossarian suddenly – he feared death, I fear marriage. My parents are living in their own world and I don’t know how to show them mine. Do I have a world to show them? My life is full of questions and myself. Amrutash is flying me to Bangalore this coming weekend so that I can assist him by my creative inputs. I still think its a waste of money – he thinks otherwise. Vishnupriya asked me to send a Shitoon to NDTV – I think she is biased towards Shitoons because I make them. I don’t know what good she found in me in just one real meeting. Do I create a lot of hype about myself? I think I do. What I do and I create become larger than what I am. What I am, I don’t know. I am still recovering from the losses I suffered. Have you seen Gulal? You saw how Dilip started acting so stupid because he fell in love? Love has killed me. How can I marry? How can I marry when I don’t want to love any individual? And yet they all think living lonely won’t work. Sujata from Muscat thinks so. My chachi in Bangalore thinks so. My parents keep meeting folks who then ask their sons to get in touch with me so that they can have a look at me and decide if I am good for their sister. What has happened to the world suddenly?
I told my cousin I am coming to Bangalore on Friday so he should meet me. I told Leela the same and then Gaya. I will also meet that brother who wants to see how good I am for his sis. He sounded like a nice friendly person on phone, so I will enjoy meeting him, but as a friend. I called up dad yesterday and scolded him for doing this to me. I told him I would leave job and go back to college, if possible to IIM to run away from this agony. I wanted to finish off this book called ‘A Journey in Ladakh’ by Andrew Harvey. The travelogue soon turned so philosophical that I started feeling heavy. And then G (my colleague) in the guest house asked me if I wanted to see Gulal. He had put that on, on the projector in the hall. So the book is unfinished and the mind feels heavier now. Do watch the movie if you haven’t. I bow to Anurag Kashyap – shear genius he is. This is for you Sujata – you were calling me a genius, but look at Anurag Kashyap. What am I compared to him? Will I ever be able to bring that kind of intensity in any of my creations? I was telling Nita today that I will write a book only when I have worked much more on my English. But when I am satisfied with my English writing skills, will I be able to produce something as good as anything worthy that has been written before me? I know the answer is yes. Intensity – impact: who doesn’t want to make that on the world?
Oh I feel so lost in my own words. Nothing is calming me down. I met some new folks at Oxford book-store yesterday. When I saw them talking like everyone else talked in Chennai, in campus, in hostels, I somehow was determined to introduce myself to them. It has been too long with no one to reach out to in Bhubaneswar. I am an introvert when it comes to breaking ice with strangers. But yesterday, I had to. I couldn’t let the opportunity go away just because I had always been uncomfortable in saying that first hi. I should learn something from Prachi. From a hi on my bog to one of my best friends now – she has done so much for me. I am glad I would be seeing her on Saturday (when I reach Chennai from Bang). I succeeded yesterday in barging in. So now they check my blog and comment. One of them blogs herself and she blogs well too. So do things come your way when you wait? Or they almost come and then you have to take that final step? I had almost given up on finding bloggers in Bhubaneswar and then suddenly someone popped up. It feels so nice.
Other nice things are happening. Finally I am speaking like a normal person to Raji – she too. Suddenly it’s like nothing ever went wrong between us. And what caused this – working for an NGO! One thing leads to another. I was working on this NGO’s website development and suddenly I thought of her because she could add so much of value.
Then there is my short-time ex-gf from IIT, even she chats with me once in a while. When I was moving on, I really didn’t like to speak to her. Now it’s changing. May be I have moved on so much that now none of that matters. I feel like a monk sometimes and then none of that matters. I feel like talking to everyone. I feel like smiling, traveling, jumping and being good. And most importantly – to open myself to everyone. It’s a rejuvenating feeling – when you start liking to be alone and yet talking to everyone without complaints in your heart. It’s a liberating feeling.
All I want to do now is close my eyes and sleep like a baby. I feel light and blessed, so what if for a short while. Good night everyone. Keep me alive. I am funny and all that but it’s good to be not so funny at times. Good night.